chasing_melody (chasing_melody) wrote,

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well, i haven't been on here in a while...

I haven't been myself lately, and I want to apologize for those who have noticed that and who have had it impact them, especially one person; you know who you are. There's not really much of an explanation for how I've been acting - I've just been being a dick, asshole, idiot, dumbass, any word of that sort. I know it isn't me, and I'm sincerely sorry that you have to see that part of me. It isn't really me; I just lose temper and lose control sometimes, and it's like a different persona. Kind of like the Incredible Hulk. When he's himself, he's a calm, rational, nice guy. He's a normal person. When he gets in a bad mood, he flips out, becomes angry, and is panicked and out of control. So in conclusion, I'm extremely sorry for ever being that way. I'm desperately trying to calm myself down when that happens, and I'm slowly improving. Please bare with me. I love you.

As for everything else, it's really so-so right now. I fight and argue alot, but I don't want to. I know that I shouldn't, but sometimes I do it anyway. Please, anyone, I just need some sort of sign to tell me that everything will be alright. I love you, you know who you are, and I don't want to hurt you ever, ever again. I know that I need to be better, treat you better, and just overall do everything differently. I love you so much; I don't even deserve to have someone as great as you. You mean the world to me, and more than that. I just need you to please give me as many chances as I need, which I know shouldn't be any more than you have already given me, but I swear I'm not who you think I am right now. I love you, I hope you know I do. As much as you may believe my anger is purposely directed towards you sometimes, it isn't. It really isn't; like I said, I just lose my temper sometimes, because I take one thing too seriously, or take one thing the wrong way, or get annoyed by one little thing that isn't even annoying, and it just pushes on me and pushes on me and pushes on me until it's all that's on my mind. It can't be that way anymore. I love you so much, I'd never intend to hurt you or anything like that. You're way too amazing to be treated the way I have treated you. And I really hope you see this and know that I'm not lying, because you mean that much to me.

By the way, this is the start of many LJ entries to come, just in case anyone was wondering. I'm going to get in the habit, because I was surprised at how well my feelings can flow when I write on here, and how good it feels to explain things and to get them out when I have a screen to talk to. Again, I'm extremely sorry, and I hope you'll forgive me. I love you too much to let you live like this anymore.

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